39 - Reflections

And so, it begins….  

Ariana tossed her phone onto the table and cupped her face with both hands. She knew full well going through this would not be easy. Jon had told her it would be worse before it got better, and she just needed to keep reminding herself it would all be worth it in the end. Yet she couldn't shake the unsettling and culpable feeling she’d fought with for a long time.

 

Taking advantage of Cara’s slumber, she headed into the other bedroom for a much-needed soak in the bath. She set her phone into the docking station before immersing herself neck deep in warmth and bubbles. Closing her eyes, she let the music and the water take her away to a time and place where she had had similar feelings.

 

Toronto 1992 ~ Keep the Faith Promo Tour

 

Ariana arrived at the RPM Warehouse early, since there was so much to do in such little time. She had just gotten back into town after spending the good part of the last year in Europe. Lucky for her, Sal had taught her everything she needed to know about running a tour. Big venues, small clubs, local band–you name it, she did it. Anything to keep her occupied.

 

When she wasn’t working, you could find her at a pub with the town locals or with her backpack strapped to her back playing tourist. There wasn’t a country she hadn’t seen. Europe had become her home-away-from-home. Italy was her favorite. She loved it there. The people were friendly, and the food was delicious.

 

Now here she was, home for no more than twenty-four hours before heading out on the road with Bon Jovi for their first tour in two years. She couldn’t help but feel a bit anxious. It had been over a year since she left him standing on the beach in California. It was the day she left the only man she’d ever loved, and not a day had gone by that she didn’t think of it or him.  No matter how much she had wanted to stay, she knew she couldn’t be what he wanted.

 

Broken hearted, she returned to Montreal and went to work at Petit Soho hoping to forget him. But, how could she? Everywhere she turned they – he was there. On the radio, in the news, on the jukebox. Bon Jovi was one of the world’s biggest rock bands, having just finishing back-to-back worldwide tours, and rumors of their splitting flooded the airwaves.

 

It was on her twenty-fifth birthday that she received his gift – a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a song.  Miss 4th of July, written just for her. Listening to it and the sadness in his voice as he sang each word, she didn’t think it was possible that someone’s heart would ache so much. That is when she decided to leave – runaway, so to speak. She packed her bags, kissed Lili goodbye, and headed to Europe.

 

The weeks turned into months, and her pain slowly subsided, but never fully escaped her. From time to time, she found herself thinking about him and wondering what he was doing. After a while, she built up enough courage and wrote, thanking him for the flowers, but mostly for the song. She told him it was completely unnecessary, but she would cherish it forever. She wished him well and hoped that someday they could be friends again... and they were. 

 

It was he who called first. She had just gotten back from touring the Vatican. Her feet were sore and her back ached when the phone on the desk startled her. She wondered who could call her at this hour, everyone who knew where she was should have been sleeping. His was the last voice she expected to hear coming through the receiver. He told her he had no patience for waiting for the mail every day, so he called Sal. It shocked her that her father told him where she was. Sal wasn’t too happy with him. He told her it hadn’t been easy, and he did have to get resourceful, but he promised Sal that his intentions were good and all he wanted was to talk to her.

 

It wasn’t a surprise how quickly they had fallen back into a routine of writing and talking on the phone when they got the chance. They would sometimes talk two or three times a day. He told her about the band's trip to the Caribbean to work things out, and how they agreed to get back into the studio. When it was time to start recording, and they went back to Little Mountain Studios in Vancouver, he’d call to tell her how things were going. He even took time while there to visit her dad and Lili.

 

Whatever country she was in, she would call to tell him all about the castle or museum she saw that day - something she knew he would appreciate. When he was thinking about cutting his hair, he asked her what she thought about it. She told him that he should do what he wanted to and not worry about anyone else.  When he finally did, it, she couldn’t believe all the commotion it caused. It even made CNN, for Pete’s sake.

 

Then, one day, he called to tell her they were heading out on tour again and that he wanted her to come and work for him. He told her he already hired Sal, and he wanted her, too. At first, she hesitated. She knew that working for him would only help her career, but she didn’t know if she was ready to see him just yet.

 

 But there she was, stepping through the back door of RPM Warehouse, her palms sweaty and her heart racing. It was an intimate venue – maybe three or four thousand people. There was a handful of crew already there, setting up the stage. Off in the distance, she could hear the sound of hammers and voices.

 

Making her way towards the front of the room, she recognized her father’s voice reassuring someone not to worry it would be done in time for this evening. As she rounded the stage, she heard Jon barking off orders of his own, and she froze when his eyes caught hers.  

 

Their eyes locked together, and her breath caught in her throat. Her lungs burned for air, but she couldn't exhale as their eyes searched each other’s for that familiarity only they knew all too well. His eyes seemed bluer than she recalled, with a smoldering, sultry deepness to them. He didn't move as he was drinking each inch of her in, as well. She couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking or if he felt the same way she did. 

 

She studied his face as she would gaze at a fine work of art. His long mane was gone. Waves of short locks, which seemed moussed or gelled into place, now framed his face. A small smile crept onto her lips as she thought to herself that she had encouraged him to cut it. An image of his long strands, soft as silk, brushing her bare breast flashed through her mind’s eye. A slight quiver cascaded down her spine and she instantly realized she would miss it.

 

He returned his attention to the conversation he’d been having and reiterated his concerns. Before leaving their eyes locking once more, he silently motioned for her to come find him when she could.  

 

It had been two hours since he left her standing on the stage, and she was just as nervous as she stood outside his dressing room door. She was just about to knock when suddenly the door feverishly flung open as he stepped out, slamming right into her. They were mere inches apart, and she could feel the warmth of his breath on her lips as he huffed.  

 

He backed into the room, allowing her just enough room to enter, her candied apple fragrance filling his space as she did. With a quick flick of his wrist, the door slammed shut, and he had her locked in his embrace. His nose nestled in the crook of her neck, he drank her in. Taking a step back, because that was all his hold would allow, she cupped his face with her hands, his tired dark eyes no longer there. She pushed her fingers up through his hair, stopping midway, only to joke that he had more gel in his hair than she did. Continuing their journey, her fingers combed over his crown and down to the nape of his neck where his hair stopped. Relaxing her arms against his shoulders, she let her fingers linger and play with the shortened mane.

 

Hands firmly planted on her hips, he pulled her forward and closed the gap she had put between them. He had smiled and asked her if she liked his hair. She dropped her hands to her sides, removing his hands and turning away from him, stating it was short and that it would take some time to get used to.

 

He followed her across the room to the leather armchair in the middle of the room. As he sat, he eased her into his lap, his fingers massaging the small of her back. The hitch in her breath didn’t go unnoticed, but it didn’t stop him either. 

 

They sat like that talking about her trip, this leg of the tour, the new album. He told her he spent a good part of the year writing and how he wrote a good portion of the album himself and that what happened between them had inspired that writing. She was just about to tell him it wasn’t necessary that he do that when they were interrupted. First by a knock, then the door being flung open and Tony walking in. Startled, she jumped up and with her head down apologized and left them to talk.

 

The next few weeks were busy. They had the taping of “An Evening with Bon Jovi” for MTV and a show at the Hard Rock in New York before they packed things up and headed to Europe for appearances. Then it was back to the States for the Christmas and New Year’s Eve shows.  

 

She was excited about going back to Europe and planned on taking him to see some of her favorite places when they had a week off in between the France and Spain shows.

 

They talked well into the morning after the Toronto show about why she left him and how they felt about each other. He told her it nearly killed him when she left. He understood why she did, but he still cared for her and would do whatever she wanted him to do. Even after they agreed to keep things friendly, she had to fight the voices in her head every time he’d smile at her or lay little touches on her as he walked past.

 

It was while they were in London that she finally gave in and let him kiss her, stirring feelings she knew she shouldn't be having. Feelings she thought she had forgotten. It took every fiber of her being to stop herself before it went any further. 

 

He knew she felt the same way he did and could sense she was holding back. He even professed his love for her, telling her he would take whatever means necessary for them to be together. She would pull away, so he didn’t push, taking only what she was willing to give.

 

During their week off, they spent their days sightseeing and their nights talking until one of them fell asleep. She had insisted on separate rooms and he disagreed, so they compromised and had adjoining rooms. Why she didn’t know. They spent every night in the same room, but in separate beds.

 

The crew and band arrived in Madrid a day early and she went out with them for dinner. Some fun conversations and a few bottles of wine had her letting her defenses down and, by the end of the night, she’d let him make love to her just as he did that night in Rio.  She had forgotten how good it felt to be in his arms.

 

When she woke the next morning, she was alone with a note on his pillow telling her he would be tied up doing interviews. Then the Principales Studio show. He didn’t know what time he would be back, but wanted to know if she could have an answer to his question. Her eyes had veered down the page to find - ‘Be mine?’ J’.

 

She spent part of the day tormenting herself for allowing it to happen again, and the other part wanting to run to him and tell him yes. To hell with what everyone would think of her for breaking up a marriage. In the end, she decided she didn’t want to fight her feelings anymore. He loved her and she him. He wouldn’t be the first person to get divorced.

 

He found her asleep on the chair with a book in her lap. Softly he whispered her name and gently nudged her knee. Her eye squinted open, and she knew something was wrong. It was written all over his face. As she moved to straighten herself, her book fell on the floor. He bent to pick it up, but she stopped him by grabbing his hand. ‘Just tell me’ was all she said. Kneeling in front of her, he took her hands in his, and a deep sigh escaped him. The next two words had torn her apart - ‘Dorothea’s pregnant’. 

 

She heard them, she felt them. She knew, then and there, that it was over. No matter how she felt, how much she loved him or how much he loved her, they couldn’t be anymore. Breaking up a marriage was bad enough, but breaking up a family… That was something she was not about to do.

 

And so she told him. She told him he needed to forget about her and be the man she knew he was and go home to his pregnant wife. He knew not to fight her. She packed up her stuff, told him she wouldn’t continue working for him, and left.

 

The knock on the door jolted her from her memories. “Come in.”

 

“There you are. What are you doing in here?” Cara asked as she leaned on the wall.

 

“I went for a run and didn’t want to disturb you.” Ari reached for her towel and got out of the tub.

 

“You hate baths. The only time you take them is when you’re worried. What happened?”

 

She knew Cara wouldn’t give in, so she decided to just tell her. “I spoke with Jon. He told Dorothea everything.” She started toweling off her hair. “I mean everything. The last 20 years.”

 

“Wow. Didn’t think he would go that far into it so soon. And?”

 

“She’s agreed to the divorce, but not without some ultimatums. One being that we can’t go public until the divorce is final.” Ari walked out of the room and into the master bedroom looking for some clothes.

 

“I see. Can’t say I blame her. How do you two feel about it?” Cara asked as she followed her.

 

“Well, I’m not thrilled about it. Neither is Jon. He still needs to talk to the lawyers, though.” She pulled a pair of boy shorts from her suitcase and stepped into them.

 

“Then why the bath?” It was a simple question.

 

“Guilt. When you knocked, I was thinking about the time I was going to tell him we could be together. When he found out she was pregnant with Stephanie.” She pulled a t-shirt over her head, causing the towel to fall.

 

“Please don’t tell me you are thinking about changing your mind again.” Cara plopped down on the bed.

 

“No. I’m not. Finally, having it out in the open just stirred up some old memories and feelings, I guess. Ones I have struggled with from the beginning.” Ari shimmied into a pair of jeans.

 

“Good. ‘Cause I watched you beat yourself up over this for far too long. I know how you get. This isn’t going to be a walk in the park, but know that it will all be worth it in the end.”

 

“That’s what I’ve been telling myself all morning.” She plopped down next to her. “So, what do you want to do today?”

 

“Well, as much as I enjoy staying in this fancy place, I think it’s time we take you home where you belong.”

 

“I like that idea. Let’s go home.”