114 - My Father's Eyes

“Romeo! Jake! Knock it off!” Jon yelled after them as the two rowdy boys chased one another around the balcony.

 

As promised, he woke just before noon, dragged himself out of bed without disturbing Ari, and went to have breakfast with his kids. He had just started on his second pot of coffee, while enjoying the beautiful view of downtown Los Angeles, when he heard his mother clap her hands.  

 

“Chop! Chop! Let's go! Get your suits on, Nana and Pop-pop will take you to the pool."

 

“I’m gonna stay here, okay Nana?” Stephanie asked looking up from her book.

 

“Sure, sweetheart.”

 

“I wanna stay too.” Romeo pleaded.

 

“Never you mind. Let your father spend some time with your sister.” Carol ushered her grandson's back into the suite.

 

“Thanks Ma.” giving his mother a quick nod, Jon returned to his morning newspaper. 

 

Closing her book, Stephanie folded her arms and rested them on the table in front of her. 

 

"Dad. Can I ask you something?"

 

"Uh-huh." Jon replied while looking over the sports page. 

 

"How long have you and Ari known each other?"

 

"She's worked for me for many years."

 

Jon paid no attention to her exasperated sigh. "Why does everyone keep saying that? Why can't you just answer my question?"

 

"I just did."  

 

"No! You answered the same way as Nana did. Which was the same as Ariana did. I don't want to know how long she worked for you. I want to know how long you have known her."

 

Peering over his newspaper, Jon faced the same piercing blue eyes as his. Staring long and hard at him, waiting for him to answer. An answer she pretty much knew but wanted to hear anyway.   

 

Folding the paper along its natural creases, Jon tossed it to the side and cleared his throat.

 

“So, what you’re really asking me, is how long we’ve been involved?”

 

“Finally! And please don’t sugarcoat it, I may be young, but I am not stupid.”

 

His little girl was sixteen going on sixty, he thought as he combed his hand through his hair. Hands locked, he rested them on the table.

 

 Here goes nothing...

 

“Steph, I want you to know that what I’m about to tell you doesn’t change....”

 

“Dad!”

 

“Stephanie, I mean it. I won’t go any further unless you understand that first. You and your brothers are the best thing I’ve done in my life. Better than all the money and records I’ve sold. And though I may not be the perfect father or around much, my love for you kids has never faulted. My actions and your mothers have absolutely nothing to do with you kids. Now, I can’t or won’t speak for your mother. That wouldn’t be fair, but I will tell you, my story.” He reached across the table and took her hands in his. “There is no fault, either. From anybody. Do you understand that?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Good. Ask away then.”

 

“When was the first time you met Ariana?”

 

“1984. She was apprenticing for her father. We were opening for Kiss.”

 

“So, she was also in the business?”

 

“Yes. Her father was the best. Every band wanted Sal and his crew. Having no mother, Ariana grew up pretty much on the road. Except for the time she spent in Canada with her grandparents.”

 

“How did her mom die?”

 

“Giving birth to her.”

 

“So, she never had a mother?”

 

“She had her grandmother Lili. She helped Sal raise her.”

 

“That’s sad.”

 

“It wasn’t easy on her, that’s for sure.”

 

“Did you like her back then?”

 

“Yes, and no.” Jon laughed, remembering the first time they had met. “She was a cupula years older than you are right now. Working in a man’s world. She was a spitfire.”

 

“You liked her?”

 

“I liked her tenacity. This business is tough for any man. And here she was doing the job better than half of them. Anyway, things were crazy for us as a band. We were trying to make a name for ourselves, young and stupid. Everyone wanted a piece of us. We were pulled in every which way but up. Ari was someone I could turn to. Tell her anything, scream at if need be. She would just let me rant. When I was done, she’d tell me what she thought, never what I should do other than do what I thought was best.”

 

“What about Mom? You couldn’t talk to her?”

 

“I did. And she was great and listened, but she didn’t understand the business.”

 

“So, is that how you and Ari got...”

 

“No.”

 

“Well?”

 

“Jesus Steph! Whaddya want a play-by-play?”

 

“No. I’m just trying to piece things together. I’m not blind, Daddy. It’s obvious how much the two of you love each other. That doesn’t happen overnight.”

 

“Baby girl, when did you get to be so grown up?” Jon ran his fingers over his morning stubble.  

 

“Really? Dad.”

 

“Hey, cut me some slack. I’m trying.”

 

Reaching across the table, Stephanie took her father's hands in hers. “Okay, so you hired the Moretti’s. Did they work for you on every tour? Did they work only for you?”

 

“No, they didn’t work only for me. I told you many wanted Sal. He worked every tour till he passed away. Ari worked on and off for me."

 

“But isn’t she the best too?”

 

“Yes, she is.”

 

“Then why didn’t she always work for you?”

 

“You know how you and Ben have been friends for like forever.” Imitating his daughter, Jon rolled his eyes along with a little headshake. “Well, that’s how Ari and I were. Still are. When we took that friendship to the next level, things changed, they became complicated.”

 

“When did you do that?”

 

Jon realized she wouldn’t give up till he answered her question. He told her he would never lie, and he wasn’t going to now.  “1990.” He could see her trying to do the math in her head. “I know what you’re thinking and yes, I cheated on your mother.”  

 

Stephanie bowed her head, closing her eyes as she did. She wanted to know. She pushed him to tell her. Deep down, she always knew something like this was possible. She and Jesse had talked about it many times, but hearing it come from him made their speculations true. Sighing, she lifted her face. Misty blue eyes looked across the table at the man she loved more than anyone in the world. Her friend, her pal, her superhero, her dad. She looked back at her life. Had he been anything less than those things to her? No. Had he ever made her feel unloved, unwanted. No. She couldn’t have asked for a better life than what he had given her. Sure, did she want him around more? The answer was yes. But singing was his job. She had friends whose dads traveled and were never home. What made his job any different? He was always there when he could be. Was what he did wrong? Yes. But that was between her parents. In the end, it hadn’t made him any less of a father to her. 

 

“Were there others?”

 

“Yes.” It was his turn to bow his head. “But they weren’t like this.”

 

“And Mom? Did she?”

 

“If you’re asking if she knew about me and Ariana, no. Not until a few months ago. If you want to know if she'd been unfaithful, that is something for you and your mother to discuss.”

 

“You said she didn’t always work for you. Why? What happened?”

 

“Steph, a rock star’s life isn’t always glamorous. You go from city to city, one party after another, scratching and clawing your way till you make it. Sometimes, you do things you're not proud of. Ariana was there for that. She was privy to a lot of my misgivings. After we’d ...” Jon picked at the skin on his thumb “Well, afterward, even though we loved each other, she wanted no part of it.”

 

“Is that when she left?”

 

“No. After your uncles and I took a much-needed break, so did Ari and I.” Jon paused for a moment. What he was about to tell his daughter was only known to three other people. His Mom, Richie, and Tony. He needed to make sure she wanted to know everything. He’d promise to never lie to her, and he wouldn’t. “Steph, are sure you want to know all of this?”

 

Stephanie pushed back her chair and stood. Walking around the table, she sat in the chair next to her father. Placing a gentle hand on his arm, she gave it a little squeeze.

 

“Dad, maybe this will help you. Your love for us, me, is something I’ve always known. There was never a time I doubted it. Were you always around? No. But this...” She waved her hand in the air. “This is your job. A job that takes you away from us for long periods of time. Just like Ben’s dad or half my other friends. Not once did I ever feel neglected or second to your career. When you were home, you were ours. It was always about us and family time. Half of my friends can’t say that. Most of them have parents that are divorced and have been for years.”

 

“But....” He started to say something, but she hushed him with an arched brow.

 

“But nothing. Yeah, you and mom are divorced now and although it’s not been fun to be around, mommy, I know that you both love each other very much. You're not in love with each other and haven’t been for a while.”

 

Jon’s brow arched at her last comment, causing her to smile. “What, Dad? Did my statement surprise you?” 

 

“A little.”

 

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve... well, all of us kids have been around for some time.” She chuckled. “And as kids, we see and hear things that maybe our parents don’t want us too or think we don’t."

 

“Care to explain some more?”

 

“If you promise not to interrupt till, I’m done, and we continue with your story when I finish.”

 

“You drive a hard bargain. Where did you learn how to do that?” He tousled her hair when he stood to retrieve some fruit from the room service cart.

 

“You.” She tucked her feet under her while she waited for him. Placing the dish of assorted fruit between the two, Jon took his seat.

 

“Guess I did do something right.”

 

“Dad!”

 

“What?”

 

“Why would you say something like that?”

 

“Because... I wasn’t always around to help raise you kids. Your mom deserves most of the credit.”

 

“Please. Do you want to know what I learned from you?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“You taught me to be strong, independent, honest, humble. That as long as I put my mind to it, there was nothing I couldn’t do or have. And if ever someone told me I couldn’t, to push harder and do it, anyway.”

 

“You know...” he cupped her cheek, “how proud of you I am, right?” 

 

“And me of you, Daddy. You’re a good father, please never think you aren’t.”

 

“Thank you, baby girl.”

 

“Another few months and you won’t be able to call me that.”

 

“Stephanie Rose, you will always be my baby girl. Don’t you ever forget that.”

 

“It’s okay, Dad. I’m happy to pass along that title. Now, can we get back to what we were discussing?”

 

“Of course.” Jon rolled his eyes. “Where were we?”

 

“Ariana leaving.”

 

“Right.”  

 

“She left, and we all went home to our lives. The thing is, all we know was life on the road. We didn't know what normal was. Your mom and I hit a rough patch, so I left. When I called Ariana, she came to me. I begged her to take me back.”

 

“Did she?”

 

“No. She told me to go home and be the husband she knew I could be. We didn’t see each other for two years. New album, new tour. Things were weird at first. Ari made it perfectly clear that we wouldn’t be anything else but friends. But I keep pushing for more, and the more I pushed, the more she fought it.”

 

“Was it the chase that you were attracted to or her?”

 

“And what would you know about that? You’ve had how many boyfriends?”

 

“Just because I haven’t had many boyfriends, doesn’t mean there hasn’t been someone I’ve wanted but couldn’t.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes. But we aren’t talking about me, we are talking about you.”

 

“Well, maybe we need to change the subject.”

 

“Nice try. Continue.”

 

“Fine. But we will get back to you later.” He waggled his finger at her. “Anyway, Ariana always struggled with what we were doing and in hindsight, I was wrong to keep pushing. I knew the only way she would commit to me would be if I left your mother.”

 

“You sorta lost me a little Dad.”

 

“Hey! This isn’t easy for me to explain. I still don’t think you are old enough to fully understand.”

 

“Then just say it. We will deal with my reaction afterwards. If I have one.”

 

“We’d hadn’t seen each other for three years. We didn’t talk for two of them. When we went back to work, Ari came with us. Professionally and platonically only. It was how she wanted it. But I knew she was fighting her feelings. Your mom and I had become comfortable. She wanted no part of life on the road. She wanted to do her own thing. And then there was Ariana. She loved what she did. Craved it.”

 

“Like you?”

 

“Yes. But..."

 

“But, what? I don’t see the problem.”

 

“Morally, what we were doing was wrong, you understand that?”

 

“Yes!” she said sternly. “Why didn’t you leave then?”

 

“We found out we were having you.”

 

There! He said it. And just like he expected, her confused expression appeared. Her silence gnawing away at him, had him pushing back his chair and pacing. Digging in his pocket to retrieve the box of Marlboros, he removed one of the little sticks and he stuck it in his mouth. He had no intentions of lighting up; it was there more for comfort as he waited for her to respond. 

 

“Um. You hung around to do the right thing?”

 

“No!” Pulling the chair out next to her, he sat and took her hands in his. “See, this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. It’s more complicated than that. You are too young to understand. Love is complicated. Fuck! Life is complicated.”

 

“Stop!” She pressed her hand to his mouth. “Just talk.”

 

“To help you fully understand, I’m going to have to backtrack a little and tell you about Ariana. The Ariana you see today isn’t who she’d always been. Independent, strong, no nonsense when it came to work, but on the inside, that was a different story. We truly became friends in the beginning and remained that way still. Ariana never wanted kids.” Stephanie's eyes widened with surprise. “Wait! Let me rephrase that. Ariana was afraid to have kids. She didn’t want what happened to her mother happening to her. Which meant she didn’t want to leave a child motherless. It was the reason she’d push me away.”

 

“Even now?”

 

“Even now. She’d never, ever let you see it, though. She wants and loves this baby very much, but it still terrified her. There is one more thing you should know about our relationship, Ariana was never a kept woman. She was free to do whatever she wanted, and she did.”  

 

Steph reached across the table for the lighter and handed it to him. She knew he wanted to and was fighting his urge. Accepting the silver rectangle engraved with his initials, he flipped it open and stoked the flame.

 

Taking a drag of the cigarette, Jon spoke as the smoke released from his mouth. “We were in London about to start the 'Keep the Faith' tour, when I found out I was going to be a father. That is when Ari left. She stayed long enough for her father to find a replacement.”

 

“Until when?” 

 

“For a long time.” He stomped out the butt. “I think that’s enough for now.”

 

“Why? I want to know more.”

 

“Another time, I promise. Can I ask you something?” 

 

“Um, sure?”

 

“Do you believe in soulmates? Two people, who are perfectly suited for one another.”

 

“I guess. I mean, I believe in true love. Love at first sight. If that’s what you’re getting at? “

 

“No. When I met your mother, that was love at first sight. I’m talking about when two people connect. Someone who you have a deep affinity with.”

 

“I can’t say that one way or another then.”

 

“Ari and I are soulmates.”

 

The squealing sound of her brothers had them both standing up. Wrapping her arms around her father, she stood on her tippy toes so she could reach his ear. “I know. It shows.”