9 - Show Me

Ariana did not want to do this.

Not now. 

Lili’s death had put her on an emotional train ride that was hitting all the stops: heartbroken, wretched, numb, furious and frightened.  Not to mention alone and scared.

She was the sole survivor of the Moretti/Leblanc bloodline. At forty-two, she had no family left.  How did she try and explain that to him now, after all these years?

She did what she thought would delay the inevitable.

Releasing their joined hands, she ran her fingers through the mousy blonde locks that lay against his forehead.  Her fingers trailed down his cheek and around to the nape of his neck, cupping it as their lips connected.

The kiss began leisurely but built in need with every second, and Ariana gradually edged her hands up to cradle his face.  She planned to deepen the kiss, hoping his need for this matched hers.

Her lips were intoxicating, like a drug he couldn’t get enough of, but he had to escape them if he hoped to continue their conversation. 

Jon pulled back, grabbing her hands and gently informing her, “We’re not doing this now. Not until you answer my question.”

An exasperated breath escaped her lips as she jerked her hands free, and told him with a tinge of impatience, “Jon, there’s nothing to tell. Lili died. I was on tour in Europe. Flew home to find everything had been taken care of. Tied-up neatly in a bow.  Oh, except I still need to collect her ashes and Petit Soho is mine. End of story.”

Jon knew by her tone that she was holding back.  This is what his Crash did when she didn’t want to talk about something, and persistence was the only way around it.  Good thing he was a stubborn son of a bitch. 

“That still doesn’t answer my question.”

Angry green eyes snapped up, hitting him like a laser. 

“Fine! You want an answer?  I’ll give you one. What difference does it make that I didn’t call you? You have your family, your career, and your life to take care of.”

She stood, forcing him to do the same as she breezed impatiently past, with their shoulders grazing as she left him behind to gaze out the window.  Those glowing red lights in the street became the most fascinating thing she’d ever seen, and Ariana concentrated intently on them. 

The alternative was facing Jon, and one look into those piercing blue eyes would make hiding the hurt impossible.  Nobody could read her like he did. 

Still not satisfied with her answers, Jon ran agitated fingers through his hair, and then counted silently to ten.  This was going to be harder than he thought.

She could be so hard-headed sometimes, never wanting anyone to see her fears or weaknesses.  He hated it.  He knew she was an independent woman who believed she didn’t need anyone.  That was proven time and again when she insisted everything was 'fine', even when that was a far cry from the truth.

Kind of like now.

“Nice try Ari, but it’s me you’re talking to.  No one does stubborn better than me, so it’s not gonna work. Wanna try that again?”

“What do you want me to say, Jon?  I’m upset that my grandmother died.  Not to mention sad and hurt that I didn’t get to say good-bye to her.”

“And?”

“And what?” she demanded flatly without turning.

“The drinking.  Care to explain that?”

“So, I got a little drunk.  Big deal.  It isn’t the first time I’ve drowned my sorrows alone, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.”   

The light was such that she could make out his reflection in the window, and even though it wasn’t as clear as a mirror would be, she had no trouble seeing the anger on his face.  The frustrated growl confirmed it and prepared her for what came next.

“Jesus H. Christ!  A little drunk? You’re fucking kidding me, right?  How about, SO drunk that your words were incomprehensible?  SO drunk, that the words I could understand made no sense? SO drunk that you hung up on me before you could tell what room you were in?  Do you know how crazy I was trying to find you?  And when I did....  When I did, you were curled up on the bed like a broken child.  I thought you were...” Jon stopped and swallowed the golf ball sized lump that was lodged in his throat. “The way I found you last night speaks volumes to how much you are hurting.  You scared the hell out of me, Crash. So, dammit why won’t you talk to me?”

Ariana spun to face him, hands planted firmly on her hips and praying that the candlelight and shadows would hide the tears that had begun flowing during his tirade.  She was trying really hard to stay calm and not lash out, but his attitude was infuriating.

“Fine!  You want to know what I’m feeling, I’ll tell you.  I’m mad.  Hell, I’m fucking furious! Downright bitter too!  I am the only living member of my family.  

“Forty-two years old with no family, Jon.  Nada.  None.  I have some close friends who make me feel like part of their families, but no one to come home to late at night after a long day.  No one to call when I’m halfway around the world and need the sound of home. No one to spend holidays or birthdays with. A-L-O-N-E.  Alone.

“But wait.  There’s you, isn’t there?  Jon Fucking Bongiovi!  I have you, don’t I?”  She held up a hand before he tried to give an answer she didn’t want.  “Wait.  Let me rephrase that.  I get you, what…?  Maybe a couple times a year?  A few months at a time when you’re on tour?   Just when your dick needs it.

“I’ve spent the last nineteen years being your dirty little secret, and what do I have to show for it?  Nothing!  And THAT is why I was drunk.”

Her words pierced like a knife, but Jon knew that they were just words.  He realized now that she was scared and hated seeing her this way.  He would do whatever it took to make sure she knew she wouldn’t be alone anymore.

Crossing to where she stood, Jon slowly folded her into an embrace intended to comfort.  He rocked her in a gentle rhythm while soothing hands stroked the length of her back.  She was stiff and unrelenting at first, but he had no place else to be, so he continued to sway and pet until Ariana gave in. 

When the weight of her body finally melted against him and her arms clasped around his waist, he whispered the words in his heart. 

“Ariana Liliane Moretti, I love you.  I know you know that, even if you don’t believe it right now.  My heart aches to see you like this and I would move mountains to take it all away.”  He hesitated for a moment before going on.  “You’re scared.  I understand that now, and if it makes things easier for you to blame me, then go ahead.  Just know and understand that I'm not going anywhere. I would never let anything happen to you. I promise you that.”

Knowing she’d need a moment to digest that, Jon just held her and listened to the uneven breaths as she fought a mental battle.

Damn him and his truthful words! 

She couldn’t argue with what he just said.  She was scared – fearful of growing old alone. 

She could hear her grandmother’s voice saying, “Don’t wait for time, because time won’t wait for you.”  That was quickly followed by Mamie’s other favorite phrase, “Those who don’t have any regrets never lived.” 

Had she waited too long?

She was young and naive all those years ago.  She could have had him for herself all these years, but she had waited too long.  He was taken now.

As for regrets, she'd be lying if she said she didn't have any, but the one thing she didn't regret was falling in love with Jon.

Ariana couldn’t help but listen to the lyrics that softly filled the room. 

Was this a sign? Lili’s ways of letting her know what she needed to do?

With her face nestled in the warmth of his bare chest, she began to sing to him in a whisper.

“I didn’t really understand until tonight

That I was wrong, you let me try to make it right

‘Cause I need you to turn to me

Oh let’s not fight ‘cause I can’t, I can’t let you go

Show me, I want to get closer

And tell me how to hold you forever

‘Cause I don’t think I’ll survive on my own

Oh I’m ready, willing to learn”

When the song ended, Ariana raised her head to look at him, holding back the tears while staring at this man and his sorrowful eyes. 

“I’m sorry. The past few days have been truly nerve wracking for me. I’ve had all these emotions brewing inside of me, and I didn’t mean what I said earlier.  You’re right.  I am scared, but that’s all I can give you for now. I’m exhausted, and the only thing I want at this very moment is for you to take me to bed.”

Jon kissed the tip of her nose and gathered Ariana’s hands in his, leading her to the bedroom as she requested.  Fixing the tussled covers of their unmade bed, he gently tucked her in on one side of the mattress before circling around to the other.  Once he was settled, Ariana scooted over to cuddle against him and rest her head on his chest.

At that moment all she wanted was for time to stand still.  The warmth of his body mixed with the steady sound of his heart had her drifting off to sleep.

“Jon?” she mumbled sleepily.

“Yeah, baby?”

“I love you.”

“Love you, too, Crash,” he breathed, holding her tightly against him.

The warmth and familiarity of his arms around her soothed an emotionally drained Ariana.  In his embrace, she found the solace and peace that invited sleep to take her.  There was only one thing she needed to know first. 

“Jon?”

 “Hmmm?”

“What did you mean when you said I needed to know and understand that you’re not going anywhere?”